A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!! A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit! A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume.. A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight?? Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!! All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know WHY!! All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat! All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds! All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT! Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!! Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN? Am I elected yet? Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet? Am I SHOPLIFTING? America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind ... An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!! An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS?? An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES! And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!! ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO MONTALBAN'S HAIR! Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER? Are we live or on tape? Are we on STRIKE yet? Are we THERE yet? Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!! Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut?? Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!! Are you still an ALCOHOLIC? As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection! Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY? BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!! Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away! But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!! BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY WAY" I've ever heard!! Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST. BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ... BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI- ... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... Bo Derek ruined my life! Boy, am I glad it's only 1971... Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!! But they went to MARS around 1953!! But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade? Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead? Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE? Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger! CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH! Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!! Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!! Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!! CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE?? Content: 80 POLYESTER, 20 DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ... Could I have a drug overdose? Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in a MALIBU HOT TUB? Did I do an INCORRECT THING?? Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus??? Did I SELL OUT yet?? Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA? Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy? DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL? Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo? Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar! Do I have a lifestyle yet? Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space? Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat?? Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"? Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days? Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me? does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS? DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!! Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!! Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!! Don't SANFORIZE me!! Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ... FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ... Are there any QUESTIONS?? Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!! Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!! Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!! Everybody gets free BORSCHT! Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a disaster Movie!! Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ... Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of OFFSET PRINTING? FEELINGS are cascading over me!!! Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty dining room. First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!! FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!! for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!! Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my gothic solarium!! FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ... FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!! Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my satellite dish PAYMENTS! Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ... Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!! Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!! GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my pet LEISURE SUIT!! HAIR TONICS, please!! Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste! Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for today! Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!! ... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE. He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him -- He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO! HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death! HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!! Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!! Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan females!! Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!! Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No thanks! Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess ... Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample bottles ... Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!! Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN anywhere!! Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment? Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!! Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce! Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!! Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a TROLLEY-CAR ... Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted island, when ... Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ... Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ... HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!! How do I get HOME? How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th' MOUSTACHE ... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA! How many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL SHARPENERS right NOW?? How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS?? How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism? hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub. HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!! HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ... I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!! I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut. I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927! I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller! I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST! I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN? I am NOT a nut.... I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!! I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!! I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems! I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ... I demand IMPUNITY! I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO! I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!! ... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE! I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in my read molars ... ... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN. I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!! I feel ... JUGULAR ... I feel better about world problems now! I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon! I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ... I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!! I feel partially hydrogenated! I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the "WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ... They look NICE in the yard ... I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ... I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING! I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ... I had pancake makeup for brunch! I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you. I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!! I have accepted Provolone into my life! I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS.. ... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ... -- I have seen the FUN -- I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ... I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!! I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ... I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to live!! I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ... I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life savings in yeast!! I invented skydiving in 1989! I joined scientology at a garage sale!! I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he is ... I just had a NOSE JOB!! I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON! I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch with my LEISURE SUIT!! I just remembered something about a TOAD! I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW on the SIDE? I Know A Joke!! I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!! I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!! I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!! I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!! I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS I like your SNOOPY POSTER!! -- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away now. I fed the cat. I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in 1965!! I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio SLEAZEBALLS!! I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!! I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank! I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL legislation... I represent a sardine!! I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers! ... I see TOILET SEATS ... I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"! I smell a RANCID CORN DOG! I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day! I think I am an overnight sensation right now!! ... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS ... I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!! I think my career is ruined! I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!! ... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!! I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!! I want a WESSON OIL lease!! I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!! I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!! ... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!! I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres. I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE and WHEAT THINS ... I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! ... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!! I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ... I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!! I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY ... BACKWARDS!! I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with me -- I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus! I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog! I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world? I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE STRANGER? I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!! I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight? I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool -- I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried! I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE -- I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!! I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ... I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!! I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex! I'm also against BODY-SURFING!! I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!! I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!! I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"! I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!! I'm definitely not in Omaha! I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this miniature DOMED STADIUM ... I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late... I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!! I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!! I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!! I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!! I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!! I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS! I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!! I'm having an emotional outburst!! I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in my PAJAMA POCKET?? I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ... I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!! ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a KOSHER DELI -- I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS. I'm into SOFTWARE! I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my PERSONAL SPACE!! I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD STERLING when you really need him? I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!! I'm not available for comment.. I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly?? I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO MONTALBAN! I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife and two children stand QUIETLY BY ... I'm rated PG-34!! I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!! I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with MISSILES!! I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin Hustle now! I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!! I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM ... I'm VIBRATORY ... I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated IMAGE FORMATIONS ... I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN ... I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER WORKINGS of this POTATO!! I'm wearing PAMPERS!! I'm wet! I'm wild! I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS! I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode. I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ... I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!! I've read SEVEN MILLION books!! ... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche PIZZA ... If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!! If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old houseboy ... If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again! If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET! If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT! If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!! ... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!! If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST! if it GLISTENS, gobble it!! If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun! If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo?? In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental Belt," for $10.99!! In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day! INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!! Inside, I'm already SOBBING! Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in Safeway? Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders?? Is the FROG his GUIDELIGHT?? It is curious that a DOG runs already on the ESCALATOR ... Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one wild afternoon?? Is it clean in other dimensions? Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a plate of SAUCE MORNAY? Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN? Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"? Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy? Is this TERMINAL fun? Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR? Isn't this my STOP?! It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!! It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID LETTERMAN!! YOW!! It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!? It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!! It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making FRENCH TOAST! It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too. It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!! JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ... Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ... Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be carried too FAR! Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA, PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!! Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machine is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!! LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??! Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS ... Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ... Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!! Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories! Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!! Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!! Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!! Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a HIGHBALL?? ... Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card! Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich! LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of Seagulls" HAIRCUTS! Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!! Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU! Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE -- MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician! MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! For DESSERT, I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE WHEAT BUN!! Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7 of the RAYON TEXTILE production of the INDONESIAN archipelago? My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!! My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!! My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New York!! My EARS are GONE!! My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!! My haircut is totally traditional! MY income is ALL disposable! My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ... My life is a patio of fun! My mind is a potato field ... My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ... My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ... My NOSE is NUMB! ... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!! My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!! My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift! My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!! My vaseline is RUNNING... NANCY!! Why is everything RED?! NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- They COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but they were OFF-KEY ... NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!! Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... in PAIN!!! Now I am depressed ... Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER! Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"! Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!! Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II! Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ... Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ... Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23 of the SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!! Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!! Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!! Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE -- Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!! Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY?? Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS" ... OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!! OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS PHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!! On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT. Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY VALUES!! Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled snack cakes! One FISHWICH coming up!! ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to the downtown PLASMA CENTER ... TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ... THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!! ... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday? Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also leave a GENEROUS TIP .... over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ... OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!! PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH? Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your BOOTH! PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT. People humiliating a salami! PIZZA!! Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES! Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!! Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!! PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!! Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! RELATIVES!! Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by prescription!! RHAPSODY in Glue! SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS ... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes, starring JANE FONDA!! Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA 94140, USA SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into empty OIL DRUMS ... Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley? Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a VASECTOMY?? Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST? Sign my PETITION. So this is what it feels like to be potato salad So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!! Someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!! Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!! Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!! Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it to Beaver"! Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why? TAILFINS!! ... click ... Talking Pinhead Blues: Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel TWENTY-SIX!! Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff) My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf) So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!! (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh) TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?! Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!! The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!! The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality -- and have since BIRTH!! The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!! The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ... ... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued OYSTER! Yum! The Korean War must have been fun. ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!! The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!! The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARS around 1953!! The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ... There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong. There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS in a $200, MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!! There's enough money here to buy 5 cans of Noodle-Roni! "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP out of MEGATON MAN!" These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!! They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen appeal! "This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG." -- Bob Violence This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!! This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up against someone's MARTINI!! ... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!! This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!! This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!! This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE is talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ... Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!! Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the aesthetic modules -- Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER! Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ... Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN?? Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend? Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS! UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by mistake!!! UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha. Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!! UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS! Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE! VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED! Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction?? Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!! We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub ... We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR -- We just joined the civil hair patrol! We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. 45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head! Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ... EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!! Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES ROOM ... Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR! Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE? What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!! What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY? What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ... What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf? What PROGRAM are they watching? What UNIVERSE is this, please?? What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory? When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ... When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ... When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING? When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!! Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER? Where does it go when you flush? Where's SANDY DUNCAN? Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT?? Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!! While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... his will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"! WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?! WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!! Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me?? Why don't you ever enter any CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know your own ZIPCODE? Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex? Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER with you?? Will it improve my CASH FLOW? Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air? Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease? With YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ... World War III? No thanks! World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code! Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it! Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"! Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON MAIDEN concert? You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!! You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th' distinction between FANTASY and REALITY? You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA? YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!! You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW CAREER!! You were s'posed to laugh! YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!! Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS -- Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental attitudes! Yow! Yow! Am I having fun yet? Yow! Am I in Milwaukee? Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights! Yow! Are we laid back yet? Yow! Are we wet yet? Yow! Are you the self-frying president? Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?? Yow! I just went below the poverty line! Yow! I threw up on my window! Yow! I want my nose in lights! Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua! Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel mill! Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce! Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof? Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank! Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping! Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY -- Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL! Yow! Now we can become alcoholics! Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!! Yow! We're going to a new disco! YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!! YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM laws!! YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!! YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!! YOW!!! I am having fun!!! Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ... A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? A few hours grace before the madness begins again. A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat. Advancement in position. After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. Are you a turtle? Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology? Are you making all this up as you go along? Are you sure the back door is locked? Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. Avoid reality at all costs. Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. Be careful! Is it classified? Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! Be cautious in your daily affairs. Be cheerful while you are alive. -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. Be different: conform. Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it. Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake. Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess. Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. Beware of Bigfoot! Beware of low-flying butterflies. Beware the one behind you. Blow it out your ear. Break into jail and claim police brutality. Bridge ahead. Pay troll. Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. Caution: Keep out of reach of children. Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. Change your thoughts and you change your world. Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. Chess tonight. Chicken Little only has to be right once. Chicken Little was right. Cold hands, no gloves. Communicate! It can't make things any worse. Courage is your greatest present need. Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. Do not overtax your powers. Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. Domestic happiness and faithful friends. Don't feed the bats tonight. Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. Don't get to bragging. Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. Don't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway. Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. Don't read everything you believe. Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. Don't Worry, Be Happy. -- Meher Baba Don't worry. Life's too long. -- Vincent Sardi, Jr. Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. Everything will be just tickety-boo today. Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. Excellent day to have a rotten day. Excellent time to become a missing person. Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. Exercise caution in your daily affairs. Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. Fine day for friends. So-so day for you. Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Oh, and have a nice day! -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. Give him an evasive answer. Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town. Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough. Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you. Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses. Good day to let down old friends who need help. Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover. Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. If you can read this, you're too close. If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things. If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow! If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it. In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged. Is that really YOU that is reading this? Is this really happening? It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up. It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. It was all so different before everything changed. It's a very *UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. -- Churchy La Femme It's all in the mind, ya know. It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending. Just to have it is enough. Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. Keep it short for pithy sake. Lady Luck brings added income today. Lady friend takes it away tonight. Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. "Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. Long life is in store for you. Look afar and see the end from the beginning. Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. Make a wish, it might come true. Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. Never give an inch! Never look up when dragons fly overhead. Never reveal your best argument. Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house. Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. Questionable day. Ask somebody something. Reply hazy, ask again later. Save energy: be apathetic. Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. Slow day. Practice crawling. Snow Day -- stay home. So this it it. We're going to die. So you're back... about time... Someone is speaking well of you. Someone is speaking well of you. How unusual! Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. Stay away from flying saucers today. Stay away from hurricanes for a while. Stay the curse. That secret you've been guarding, isn't. The time is right to make new friends. The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. -- George Gobel There is a 20 chance of tomorrow. There is a fly on your nose. There was a phone call for you. There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself. This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo. Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Today is the last day of your life so far. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Today is what happened to yesterday. Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. -- Hunter S. Thompson Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately, it can still be changed today. Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip. Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. -- Ashleigh Brilliant Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life. What happened last night can happen again. While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack. Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. You are a bundle of energy, always on the go. You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. You are always busy. You are as I am with You. You are capable of planning your future. You are confused; but this is your normal state. You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the department of transportation. You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. You are fairminded, just and loving. You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. You are going to have a new love affair. You are magnetic in your bearing. You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports. You are number 6! Who is number one? You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends. You are sick, twisted and perverted. I like that in a person. You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. You are standing on my toes. You are taking yourself far too seriously. You are the only person to ever get this message. You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity. You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive. You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt is concerned. You can rent this space for only $5 a week. You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body. You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. You dialed 5483. You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. You enjoy the company of other people. You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to. You fill a much-needed gap. You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind. You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it's totally undeserved. You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first. You have a truly strong individuality. You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact. You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly. You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to metal objects which are not fastened down. You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships. You have been selected for a secret mission. You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy. You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. You have many friends and very few living enemies. You have no real enemies. You have taken yourself too seriously. You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled. You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE." You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. You look tired. You love peace. You love your home and want it to be beautiful. You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today. You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others. You may be recognized soon. Hide. You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will be sold. You need more time; and you probably always will. You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead. You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach. You now have Asian Flu. You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution. You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider. You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead. You should go home. You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. You teach best what you most need to learn. You too can wear a nose mitten. You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part. You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant. You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. You will be awarded some great honor. You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. You will be dead within a year. You will be divorced within a year. You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. You will be held hostage by a radical group. You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause. You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery. You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. You will be married within a year. You will be misunderstood by everyone. You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. You will be run over by a beer truck. You will be run over by a bus. You will be singled out for promotion in your work. You will be successful in love. You will be surprised by a loud noise. You will be surrounded by luxury. You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. You will become rich and famous unless you don't. You will contract a rare disease. You will engage in a profitable business activity. You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. You will feel hungry again in another hour. You will forget that you ever knew me. You will gain money by a fattening action. You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. You will gain money by an illegal action. You will gain money by an immoral action. You will get what you deserve. You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. You will have a long and boring life. You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. You will have long and healthy life. You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. You will inherit millions of dollars. You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. You will live to see your grandchildren. You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman. You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. You will never know hunger. You will not be elected to public office this year. You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears. You will outgrow your usefulness. You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. You will pass away very quickly. You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message. You will pioneer the first Martian colony. You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. You will soon forget this. You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. You will step on the night soil of many countries. You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your brakes are defective. You will triumph over your enemy. You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. You will wish you hadn't. You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. You would if you could but you can't so you won't. You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow. You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people. You'll be sorry... You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. You'll never be the man your mother was! You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier to do. You're a card which will have to be dealt with. You're almost as happy as you think you are. You're at the end of the road again. You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." You're definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is. You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that you're growing into. You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human. You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. Your aim is high and to the right. Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you. Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having. Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong. Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. Your business will assume vast proportions. Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. Your domestic life may be harmonious. Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now). Your goose is cooked. (Your current chick is burned up too!) Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. Your ignorance cramps my conversation. Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. Your love life will be happy and harmonious. Your love life will be... interesting. Your lover will never wish to leave you. Your lucky color has faded. Your lucky number has been disconnected. Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon. Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments. Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody. Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life. Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. Your present plans will be successful. Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong. Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. Your sister swims out to meet troop ships. Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. Your step will soil many countries. Your supervisor is thinking about you. Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner. Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.